The ether closed me in, as in the womb, and the panic I expected turned to comfort despite claustrophobic tendencies. It turned from caged closeness to flexible freedom. I became an innocent child wrapped in my mothers arms. I became the lone wolf, blanketed in the blood of the earth. I could escape my skin and return unscathed and unperturbed. It was all still sticking to my flesh as freshly as before. No cuts, no bruises, no sore legs from the wandering. Only my heart was beating faster than normal. I ran as I laid on the grass, through the wind and the passing bodies I roamed over in search of inspiration. I found it everywhere I touched. Without constraint the walls crumbled. I tunneled into the rubbish and chalked my energy with the remains, laughing as they clung to nothingness. They withered. They became dust. I covered my naked body in corpses of shredded fear. I danced until they shook off, hit the ground, and disappeared They never existed in the first place. I laughed more and more. The light inside my chest exploded. They said my aura was light green/blue, and I could feel the presence of my true self glittering in their vision. My own vision became blurred. The tree branches begged for me to join them, the sun kissed my skin and warmed my face. I lifted myself up to the tops of their heads and became a single leaf. Browning at the ends and losing my strength, slipping slowly down, spiraling on the wind, gently resting on the ground and staring at the home I’d lived in forever. Decay came close but I left the leaf’s soul and entered into the lake as a drop of water, weaving stories of the way I had died. The veins I’d left behind sung out to me with a loving tune. I meshed with the other drops and turned them into blood, portraying their funneling of life within a creatures vessel. They liked that. I like it. The sun rose me from my wet abyss and I became a million misting gems. I fell upon my nose and jolted awake inside my body, awoke to the blinding rays. Laughter ensued, touching ensued, love ensued. I got up and walked on my feet…embracing the beauty and complicated existence of humanity, blowing kisses to the sun, the lake, the leaves, the trees, the dirt, the ground, and the nature surrounding me, eating me alive blissfully.
If I could be more empty, I’d float into the sky on this warm full moon night in the direction of the lunar light. Drifting toward the open arms of the mother herself, the embodiment of human emotion and earth’s emotions alike. I’m normally the one in charge but the knife is in fate’s hands and it’s slicing me open in parts of myself I had forgotten existed. The impact of these secret corridors being opened all around me beats my heart out of my chest and the terror grips me…it is out of my control. I’m being forced to shift my thoughts from maintained to chaotic. One being faced with the unconscious is completely vulnerable. Not being able to understand the meaning until the emotion is already gone. Not being able to access the comfort of knowledge because you’re behind human capacity. That is when I was flung into faith. Giving up the raging anxiety is a twisted, rough road, and paranoia lurks about. Your mind literally becomes your worst enemy. Your only ally is faith- guiding you along when the path gets dark or foggy or dangerous. Illuminating the path when just a little light shines through. Exalting the journey, this life, and your nature. I’ve been shoved to the edge and I took the plunge and the water washed away many of those dormant, tucked away parts of my mind. My heart is calming, and though I have more to seek out and eradicate, at least the will has returned to me to pursue this positively and with as much compassion for myself as I can give.
I want to flood over everything in white blooded bliss, drowning the stains that had cast a fog over my heart. I have no use for them any longer. I am being born again, waiting for the gold to overtake my flesh and become my complete being. A beacon of pure light- transcending personal to the collective, being a healer and seer. A walker through illusions, and a mind who’s words can help others see. Everywhere I walk, I want to expose shadows to their masters. Expose masters to their shadows; let them know that they are one of the same and they don’t have to be afraid. My stars unveil the frustration through connecting completely myself, and I don’t have to peel my skin of it any longer. The journey, remember, is the whole meaning. Every step should be taken advantage of. No apologies for genuine emotion. No apologizes for lack of it. My true self, always. I will be the earth’s cataclysm, ripping faces off the disillusioned. Getting to the core of compassion and being nothing but. Being the warrior of truth. Excusing pain from ignorance, knowing that foe can’t break barriers through my loving third eye. This is the end of the past suffering and the beginning of freedom.
Don’t ask me who I am, because I am everything. If you are not in love with the darkness you cannot be in love with my being. I am the light in the darkness. You have to swim towards me in confident strokes to reach me at all. And even then, you’ll drown in the darkness before having any hope in reaching the light. When you’re choking up death my eyes won’t seem worth the pain and you’ll flee to the shore once more. They’ll always flee to the shore. You’ll dream of diamond pupils, worth in love what they’re worth in human eyes. Maybe even take the trek a couple more times and forget how to breathe. Forget where you started and where you wanted to end up. The darkness does that to you. But the dreams will keep coming. Glistening stars will be my warm body against yours when you lose your physicality and drift into the sky. A firefly in the dead of night, curling around trees as fish swim in the sea- it will be my feet upon the ground, leading you to a field of orange flowers where we can prove our love. Though you haven’t reached me, and others continue to fall, I do not give up hope of being held. The warrior of light will face the black abyss, dive in with teeth clenched, unafraid of the monsters that lurk underneath. He’ll swallow the gore in throat swelling chunks and the teeth that gnash at him from below will tear his skin. Blood loss, oxygen loss, exhaustion looming but hope abounding, his fists continue to move forward. Murky waters reflect my light and his soul can feel its call. Swimming on, fighting on, losing every illusion of himself and murdering the ego, he’ll reach the center of pure white light and find he’s inside himself. We’ll unite and mesh our souls in unhindered understanding, for lovers are in each other all along.
I’m inspired with knowledge. More specifically, understanding. Dots connecting. New doors of perception opening. Truth pouring out of clogged decks, washing away blockages I could feel but not locate. They’re running down the stream now, and again, I have let them go with much struggle. Tis my way, apparently.
I love those who are themselves; they let the universe flow through them effortlessly. They create consistently. Express themselves so rawly that beauty erodes others barriers and touches their heart. I wish to be an instrument of the universe. A unique individual. A one of a kind, free flowing vein of life. This stress is nothing more than an illusion that I am creating. I am nothing. I am everything. I am the universe itself learning through me. Nothing is a mistake. The chain is long and cannot break and the soul ‘I’ am is and will be ever present in existence. Nothing I do matters because everything I do is accounted for. The paradox is that exactly. Take all the experience you can accumulate in full awareness. Open up your heart, your eyes, your mind to whatever comes your way and forge your own path as you go. Live the way you are pulled instead of the way that feels secure. Fear is a good indicator of necessary learning. Love cannot exist in fear- let it go and let love in.
Happiness is found in the cobwebbed corners, and those mysterious yet forgotten dusty drawers. Creaking across the floor, I sometimes tiptoe, sometimes crawl- I reach the sticky drapes and grip my hand around the cold crystal knobs and feel around in blind desperation. I mustn’t be forced anymore, I mustn’t be afraid, to just walk towards the darkest side of the room. In peace, at a steady pace, and a grin replacing my bloodied teeth cutting my lips. Make myself at home with the spiders in the air, let them whisper in my ears the secrets of the universe as I fall through the floorboards not gripping onto anything, just sinking with open palms. I’ll find the next wormhole beneath the dust when I remember once again to keep on moving.
The light will shine, like it’s doing now, after a dark night. And I will be eaten alive by acceptance. Renewed in the acid of the spider’s body. Born again, scarred, but beautiful. And maybe I’ll learn to stop resisting it all. What will be will be.
It’s not the feelings that should sway me, but they do. It’s not the intellect that should sway me, but, it does. It’s spontaneity and spirit combined, fear and insecurity sprinkled in, dirtying the lines of where my actions come from. Where the thoughts crash against the physical and where they fizzle out before even reaching a single nerve. There’s no predicting the outcomes and so, in knowing this, I should ignore all the previous and act through nothing but love. I have come to this conclusion many times and yet my ego, my human nature and my intense emotions, get the final say. I will never stop striving for what I know is right. And in the mean time, I will forgive myself endlessly for being all too human.
Speak to me of harmony, when moments flood together in a constant stream. They don’t cut up in pieces and float out, chopped bits flinging towards the east, the west, and falling to the south. Deciphering the raw memories before they cut up my spine, notches for the murder of myself, simply because I ran out of time. I’m nothing without the order- so, what then? It’s not here. Even in the beauty, when I laugh at simple life, it’s delusion. My mind has deemed it delusion when I come back to my senses, but that’s the intellectual side of me. The other side says it’s water- perfect, clear, life. Emotions. Depth. Passion. Darkness. It’s the breath of life itself, the acceptance of all things. The divine ripping open your veins and pouring them out into the earth to heal what it may. I am feeling for you.
Reading out in nature is a key to my own personal pleasure. It combines two of my most enjoyable elements of life- the written word and nature. The sun, the wind, shade, grass, bugs, trees, animals, leaves, drops of dew. Knowledge, philosophy, beauty inside my mind and around my body. Pure ecstasy!